Setting boundaries for grandparents can be challenging. Depending on your own relationships with your parents and your in-laws, you could be facing more difficulties.
Unfortunately, some grandparents have the tendency to overstep boundaries or undermine parents. When that’s the case, it’s important to set healthy boundaries with grandparents to avoid conflicts and remain in control of the parenting.
This issue is a popular one amongst parents, and this is a question that we get often. So, if you’re feeling like you have no idea how to set boundaries with your parents or in-laws, you’re at the right place.
Below, you’ll find the question from a parent who is struggling with grandparents’ boundaries.
Then, you’ll find our answer to the question, and our recommendations to set healthy boundaries with grandparents.
How To Deal With Grandparents Overstepping Boundaries
“How can I deal with grandparents who want to be the “parent?” I’ve talked to my friends about this and we all feel the same way. We want to be respectful to the grandparent and say, “Ok, thanks for the parenting advice,” (which is usually unsolicited) but at the same time we’re thinking, “Back off, this is my turf now…I’m running the show.” I do think grandparents mean well, but it’s frustrating when they come in only occasionally but want to tell us what we should be doing.”
How To Set Healthy Boundaries With Grandparents
This is the age-old challenge of balancing unrequested family offers of help, with our own trial and error, figuring out being a parent on our own. Most of the time, the commenter has no idea how judged and second-guessed their words make you feel. Only you can decide if the parent or in-law has an agenda attached or if they are offering well-meaning information that is just annoying, if not unwelcome.
Let my Magic Mantra be your guide: “I’m only in charge of me, I’m not in charge of you.”
Repeating this mantra to yourself provides clarity in the moment. You are in charge of how you decide to respond based on whether the advice giver seems to be trying to elevate themselves as the know-it-all or if the advice giver is truly unaware of how second-guessing you undermine your parenting.
And, only you can decide if the visit is short-lived enough to look the other way with a smile and a wave. Or if it’s more of a pop-in unexpectedly, all-the-time type of visit, warranting a direct, nurturing conversation.
Here are some responses you can give in a situation where grandparents or In-Law say something like: ”Your kids don’t do enough around the house to help out.”
Answer #1
“I’m confused, are you saying my kids are lazy or I’m not parenting correctly?” This strategy returns their words back to them so they have a chance to hear how their words landed from your perspective. It provides them the opportunity to refine their comment, offer an apology, or bolster their self-awareness and back off the comments.
Answer #2
“Is that your way of saying you don’t agree with my parenting style? If so, please share your specific concern. But overall, I’d love the chance to learn as I go, as you did when I (or spouse) was growing up.” This strategy isolates their comment and requests they share something of value or don’t say anything. If the first question is too confrontational for you, the second sentence in this example can stand alone.
Either of these replies, in entirety or a portion of one, can be tailored to fit your situation.
You are always in charge of how you decide to hear their comments. You can choose to anticipate and ignore the comments during their limited time with you. You can choose to not take their “advice” personally. You can choose to view their comment as their way of being involved and sharing their experiences.
Or you can choose to give a variation of the responses above and hope they recognize they are out of turn. Always know, you can choose to meet someone in the middle just by hearing their advice differently. It’s all in your hands.
List Of Boundaries For Grandparents
Confronting a grandparent can be intimidating, especially if you had the tendency of staying quiet in the past.
It’s never too late to set healthy boundaries with grandparents – after all, you’re the parent and should decide how you wish to parent your child.
Below, you’ll find a list of boundaries for grandparents that might need addressing.
- Gifts or treats
- Undermining your authority, criticizing or questioning your parenting
- Badmouthing family members
- Visits
- A grandparent who plays favorites
Setting clear boundaries or rules for grandparents is an important step, especially in cases where a grandparent is becoming toxic.
While you may need to have tough conversations with grandparents, it’s important to remember that everyone deserves respect and healthy boundaries.
Final Thoughts On Grandparent Boundaries
We hope the examples above can help you start a conversation to ensure positive relationships with your family.
Need help setting up boundaries with grandparents or in-laws? Click the button below to schedule a call and we can discuss solutions together.
Parental coaching can be helpful for parents who need help setting healthy boundaries with grandparents.
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Should grandparents have boundaries?
Yes. Boundaries between grandparents, parents, and children are important to ensure everyone feels respected at all times.
What is a toxic grandparent?
A toxic grandparent is someone who lacks empathy for other people’s feelings – including parents’ feelings and children’s feelings. It can include behaviors like: manipulation, victimization, etc.
How often should grandparents see their grandchildren?
It can depend on one family to another. For example, are the grandparents nearby, or do they live far? Are the boundaries clear and healthy, or not? The most important thing here is that the children and parents are comfortable with the frequency of the visits.
